An Excerpt from I'M STILL WIFEY
by Kiki Swinson


Can you believe it? After all the planning I did to leave my husband Ricky to run off with Russ, it backfired on me. It has been two-and-a-half months since the whole thing went down. Now I’m sitting here all alone, in my hair shop, thinking about what I am going to do about the baby I’m carrying.
Rhonda and Nikki both didn’t believe me when I told them that I was pregnant by Russ. However, after I pulled out a calendar and counted back the days from the last time we were together, it finally registered through their thick skulls.

“So, what cha’ gon’ do about it?” Rhonda asked me the day I got the results from a pregnancy test about a month ago. The first thing that came out of her mouth was for me to get an abortion since I ain’t gon’ have a baby daddy. God knows where he is. But I told her that was the furthest thing from my mind because whether I had Russ in my life or not, I was gon’ have this baby. Then she said, “Well, what would you do if he found out you’re pregnant and wants to come back with a whole bunch of apologies and shit?” I told her that shit ain’t gon’ happen because first of all, Russ ain’t gon’ find out I’m pregnant ‘cause ain’t nobody gon’ know I’m pregnant by him. And second, after that stunt he pulled on me to rob me for my dough, I know he ain’t gon’ never show his face around this way ever again. He would be a fool to. I mean, he don’t know if I told Ricky that he robbed me or not. So to play it cool, he’s gon’ do as any other greasy-ass nigga would do after they pull a stick-up move, and that is to disappear. And even though he thinks he got away with it, he hasn’t. ‘Cause whether Russ knows it or not, karma is coming for his ass. And what will give me much pleasure is to be able to see it hit ‘em.
I hope that my day will come very soon.


Back at my place, which is a step down from my ol’ two-story house, I decided to pop myself a bag of popcorn and watch my favorite show, America’s Next Top Model. Afterward, I began to straighten things up around my two bedrooms, two-bath condo until my telephone started ringing.

“Hello,” I said without looking at the CallerID.

“Whatcha doing?” Rhonda wanted to know.

“I was just dusting the mantel over my fireplace.”

“Girl, sit your butt down. ‘Cause if my memory serves me, I do remember you being on your feet all day today.”

“I’m fine. But what I wanna know is why you didn’t come back to work today?”

Rhonda sighed heavily and said, “Kira, if I could kill Tony and get away with it, I would do it.”

“What happened now?”

“Girl, I caught this nigga talking to some hoe named Letisha on his cell phone.”

“Where was he at?”

“He was in the back bathroom, sitting on the fucking toilet, taking a shit.”
I laughed at Rhonda’s comment and asked her what happened next.

“Well, before I busted in on him and smacked him upside his damn head with my shoe, I stood very quiet in the hallway right outside our bedroom and heard this bastard telling that hoe how much he missed her and that he was going to get his hair cut at the barbershop. And right after I heard him say that, that’s when I went off.”

“So, what did he do?”

“He couldn’t do shit with his pants wrapped around his ankles. Therefore, he just sat there and took all those blows I threw at his ass. And then when he dropped his cell phone, I hurried up and snatched it right off the floor and cussed that bitch out royally.”

“And what did she say?”

“I ain’t let her say shit. ’Cause after I told her who I was and that if I ever caught her in Tony’s face, she was gonna get fucked up, I hung up.”
“So, what was Tony doing while you were going off on that hoe?”

“Trying to hurry up and wipe his ass, so he can get up from the toilet and I guess take his phone back. But as soon as the bastard stood up to flush the stool, I threw his phone right up against the wall as hard as I could and broke that bad boy in about ten little pieces.”

I laughed again and said, “Damn girl! That’s some shit I used to do.”

“Well, jackass didn’t see it coming. So, it made it all the better.”

“Where’s he at now?”

“In the kitchen helping Ryan with his homework.”

“So, did he ever go out and get his hair cut?”

“Hell nah. Shit, he knew better.”

“Well, what kind of lies did he tell you about everything that happened?”

“Girl, that nigga ain’t gon’ volunteer no information. All he had to say was that I was crazy as hell. And then he went on about his damn business.”

“Rhonda,” I said before I sighed, “I know you’re sick and tired of going through all that bullshit! Because I sure was when Ricky was on the streets.”

“Hey wait,” Rhonda interjected, “I forgot to tell you that he called the shop today while you was at lunch.”

“Did you accept the call?”

“Yeah. But we only talked for a few minutes.”

“What did he say?”

“He just wanted to know where you was and when was you coming in. So, I told him that you weren’t. And that’s when he asked me to call you on three-way. But I told him the three-way call thing wasn’t working.”

“I bet he got real mad, didn’t he?”

“Hell yeah!”

“So, what did he say after that?”

“Nothing but to tell you he called. And for me to tell you to come down to the county jail and see him before the U.S. Marshal picks him up and takes him off to the Federal Holding Facility in Oklahoma, because he has something very important to talk with you about.”

“Well, he should already know that it ain’t gon’ happen. But, I am wondering what he’s got so important to talk to me about.”

“Girl, he’s just probably saying that so he can get you to come down and see him.”

“Yeah. You probably right.” I agreed.

“Well, are you going to ever tell him that you’re pregnant by Russ?” Rhonda blurted unexpectedly.

“Nope. It ain’t none of his damn business. All he needs to focus on is signing those divorce papers my lawyer is getting ready to send his ass.”

“So, you’re serious about that, huh?”

“You damn right!” I commented and then I said, “I’m gonna get that nigga outta my life once and for all, so I can move on.”

“Look, I understand all that. But I wouldn’t let his ass get off that easy. Because the next time he calls the shop, I would make it my business to wreck his muthafucking ego and tell him, ‘Yeah nigga, while you were running around behind my back with Sunshine’s stinking ass, I was fucking your boy Russ right in your bed. And I just found out that I’m pregnant by him.’”

“Oh my God! That’ll kill him!”

“That’s the idea,” Rhonda told me.

I said, “Girl, that nigga gon’ try and come through the phone after I tell him some shit like that.”

“Well, no need to worry ’bout that. ’Cause it ain’t gon’ happen.” Before I could comment, she told me to hold on because somebody was beeping in on her other line. When she clicked over, it got very quiet. But just like that, she was right back on the line and said, “Hey girl, one of Tony’s homeboys is on the other end trying to holler at him. So, let me call you back.”

“A’ight,” I told her. Then we both hung up.

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